Sarah Am-brrr-Gay

Smile.

I never do anything on halloween, this year was better though cuz I did chill at least with someone. it was better than last year when I paid for a haunted mansion thing but ended up having to pick up my mom from the mall and all…ended up wasting my money. Then the year before that I watched scary movies on TV and ended up giving candy out to people.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do on my birthday though…I think the weekend before my birthday I’m going to have people over to hangout and be kewl with meh. Then the weekend after I’ll go see Harry Potter. I remember the first movie coming out on my 11th birthday and I saw it with all my friends…. good times.

Anywho..if anyone has a better idea of what I should do let me know…I think all I did last year was eat thia food and go to amandas place in seattle….that was actually fun lol…

Hello, my name is Sarah Amburgey. if I were to open up like a book, you’d come to find that my need to document every feeling and every thought(althought it be a vague one) is the closes you’ll get to it. If you look at my previous entries you would notice i have a problem with overwriting. That is one issues I would have to explain in full detail. however for the sake of me trying to get over habits that I no longer want to define me, I will not explain this…although I realized this entry will be a long one. The first thing that comes to mind about me is that I have issues, flaws, just as everyone else. Except I’m both ashamed and happy about my flaws. I’m happy because having flaws means people don’t expect you to be perfect. However because of my flaws, I expect that. The expectation of being perfect is one of my flaws. When things don’t go perfectly I become consumed by self hatred. Of course…being who I am I am constantly feeling that way. 

I hate failing, making mistakes, being not perfect. I know thats unrealistic but, i don’t know. its just something I’ve always strives for. I am very hard on myself with ever mistake I make because thats the only way I can cope, I have always had this addiction to intimacy, and I’m over emotional despite the fact that I try to keep my composure. I avoid conflict since I know at least 2 of these 3 things are usually related to any conflict I have in anyway. 

Right now I’m tired….and I want to type more but… as of right now, my intimacy level is at 5 perfect. that five percent is from our new puppy. the lack of intimacy comes from the fact I am no longer in a relationship. and because of this…dreaming seems to be a happier place right now.

I wanna see buried at the historic orchard theater…seriously that movie is just Ryan Reynolds in a box for 90 mins. I watched a review on it though and it said it was good….yeah…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZVKDsOxCyU&feature=fvst

(thats the trailor)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORn3rRIBRMc

(thats the review… half way through it are spoilers i think, but he usually tells you when the spoilers are coming up)

http://movies.eventful.com/buried-/M0-001-000005133-1/showtimes?date=2010-10-31

(info on time at the orchard theater for halloween)

that or see  Bainbridge Performing Arts Theatre preform rocky horror live…cuz after seeing glee do it (which I didn’t like…no no) I’ve been wanting to see someone good preform it. I could see Rocky horror at the historic orchard theater but its on amanda b-day.

http://www.rockyshows.net/live/#bpa

(information on the rocky horror live show)

The Bainbridge one though is like 19-25 bucks and I feel like it might be sold out. it doesn’t say it is but its been going on from the 15th to the 31st. so idk. not sures what I’m going to do for halloween. =/

jjennruth:

I think back at who I was, who I wanted to be, who I was all in all. I take a look at who the person I strived to be with, the traits, the things we would do, etc… what I didn’t think was how I’d feel or react to them. anyone could fit those traits, anyone… I tried so hard to be something I wanted to be that apart of me believed it. I can’t be that person though.

There are girls who do the worst things, and thats because they lack self control. I understand that completely I suppose, lacking self control I mean. I finally understand why I really wanted to be who I wanted to be. For me, I’m one of those people who try to be those things they want to be so much that in time, they really believe its true. That its something that needs to be true…

Like the expression that compares an unbearable situation to a band aid being removed. I guess there are a few band aids in my life that need to be removed. Things are clearer now…and reasons are starting to get organized. now, I just have to decide which action will be the action I want defining me.

life is simple, we are born, we survive as long as we can, then we die. We make life worth living though by making it complicated.

I’d been going on and on in my head on whether or not I prefer being a robot or in other words being emotionless because well I’m emotionally unstable which becomes an annoying issue to me…When in truth, emotions and experiences are what make me, me. I’d been going on and on how I didn’t want to lose myself and I thought that myself was my morals. That isn’t the case though…

You know what though?

I’d rather lose myself…because ultimately I’d have to find myself right after. If that is an experience that will make me find the real me…then hell… its all worth the unpleasant feelings in the end right?

I think… I’m starting to step out of the identity crisis… I understand now, why I make things complicated. 

i think the feeling of being alone while you have people is sadder than feeling alone and no one being there. 

dislike facial hair on a guy…thinking about it… yeah I really hate it. If I’m not dating em I guess I don’t care, like Mr.Swebb and Mr.Priest. They were teachers and they would look weird if they didn’t have em…especially swebb, cuz he looks weird to me with out it.

BUT

I was watching an old vlog bros, (this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzZLKs5QaEs) and a viewer said he was considering growing a mustache to get a girl to notice em

John responded by saying “See girls that is how we think, we’re like ‘maybe I should grow a mustache to get her attention’”

and really when I was…loopy last week and I was staring at the two guys with facial hair and I was having silly thoughts roam my head I was thinking “why would any girl like kissing a guy with facial hair? when I kissed a guy who would grow out their facial hair (or in other words the two guys I’ve been with) when ever I did kiss em I always felt like their hairs were stabbing my lip and ultimately I would grow a beard” 

hahah I remember actually almost saying “I don’t wanna grow a beard cuz I kissed a hairy face guy” out loud ahahha xD

but I wasn’t loopy enough for that.