December 2010
“I always felt like you had to be important to have enemies. Example: Historically, Germany has had more enemies than Luxembourg. Margo Roth Spiegelman was Germany. And Great Britain. And the United States. And czarist Russia. Me, I’m Luxembourg. Just sitting around, tending sheep, and yodeling.”
—Quentin Jacobsen (Paper Towns)
I'm getting this anxious feeling in my stomach
theres nothing to look forward to exactly but… some reason I feel like I need to try harder… doesn’t make much sense but then again…who gives a fuck?
I really don't know why, there something about you that I don't like. I think you can guess what that is though huh?
there are several things not to like about me. I’m weird, I have a weird ass sense of humor, I am quiet one moment and the next I’m loud and obnoxious. I have a low self esteem, I’m vain, sometimes a lil shallow, a coward, emotionally unstable, and many more other things.
Obviously I’m not perfect. However, if I were perfect I’m pretty sure there would still be people out there who wouldn’t like me.
Now if there was no one out there who didn’t not like me than I’d be worried. After all is there anyone out there in the world that you knew or knew of who didn’t at least have ONE person who didn’t like them?
Just like everyone I have things not to like, which are things I’m working on. Then there are things I just find ridiculous to hate someone for so I ignore it. For instance this reply to this kind of question is absurdly long. However, I don’t find it effects my relationship with everyone I meet.
You can’t have everyone liking you, life would be too dull if that were the case. See and this is coming from someone who does anything she can to avoid conflict.
To all the people who don’t think I’m worth the time, all I can say is its their lose. I think I have a lot to offer for those who take the time to stick around. I’d like to think so anyways. As you can see lack of confidence is another flaw of mine, which is one of the flaws I find worth working on.
"We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." — J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)
I would often have thoughts that are what I consider to be bad, I remember I got a little panicy thinking I was the worst person in the world for having these thoughts. They seem evil and I thought if people knew I thought the way I did then they’d think I was fake.
I understood it was bad, and the part I hated was that apart of me agreed with those thoughts. I hated that it did, and I would always think I had to work on who I was as a person because “a decent person must have decent thoughts”
Thats what I told myself, I believed every move I made had to show no signs of those thoughts I had. I hated those thoughts and hated that they seemed to be apart of me. I think the day I started to get through my head was the day that Vince told me something along the lines of this
“We can think all we want, its what you do that matters.”
I know I fucked up that quote but, I remember he told me his aunt told him that… and I remember him telling me his reply to his aunt…he was like “OOOooohh!”
lol
Thing is, trying to be perfect stinks… I wanted to be the perfect daughter when I was little. I didn’t want to get in trouble and I just wanted to be the girl everyone didn’t see anything wrong with…Then I realized how un-perfect my mom and dad were. I make mistakes and have had my emotions cloud my judgement. I use to try to be the perfect girlfriend, I thought “as long as hes happy” it should be enough, no need to bother him with my worries. Then I ended up screwing things up with thats thought. Not bothering him with my worries is good to some extent but, still screws things up. Then I did what I felt would fix everything.
I think as dumbledore once said
“if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy”
its easy for me to follow what I feel. Its time that I remember that what I feel isn’t always right. I thought embracing that bad part of me, because its me was the right thing to do because its easy. I thought being with someone who was easier to be with was right. Thing is, I need to grow up.
learn from the mistakes, and act on that side that matters.
I’ve been reading a lot of harry potter quotes and watching the movies…also finally reading the 6th book lol.
Play
2:53
Oh Amanda you are a fun one
gunna suck when you’re gone. BUT
I’m going to have a new attitude change.
despite all the shit, I think I’m more positive now
xD
I’m going to start chilling with the crew again.
No more sulking and such.
;P
None of that.
Nooo… imma… go do some fun stuff.
Who is with me?
:3
"Water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink"
I feel like no matter how much sleep I get I’m still tired. Even after a nap I feel like someone just punched me in the head. I haven’t had a day where I wasn’t tired all day since… I can’t even remember.
Caffeine just makes me jittery and tired…
maybe I need to drink more water and exercise more.
idk, I just feel worn out all the time… its really annoying.
it really is ironic though, the more sleep I get the more tired I feel when I wake up. lol
college
I remember thinking last year about which college would lead me to the best job.
the thing is school never touched on that. They never told me which school would be taken more seriously to employers or which ones would impress them the most. They never told me if schools were just a necessary thing to get the job you want or if there are other paths. I look at community college and from the way I’ve heard all my life, universities are much more impressionable to employers. Than theres internships and what not and I really don’t get it.
If someone sucks at grammar but gets the point across, and that point is a brilliant one does that mean he/she is an idiot or a bloody genius? Is a math score really determine if you’re smart rather than coming up with…idk a way to preserve our natural resources. THATS what I don’t get.
WHAT exactly makes you an intelligent person?
I read constantly and study when I can, not to my fullest potential but still… I mean if I dropped out I’d be called stupid for dropping out.. no I’m not dropping out.
Thing is I really do want to learn and learn how to be better at what I love. I’m not good at grammar but I still want to pursue that career. When people hear that my career isn’t in art they sometimes give me a look. I’m good at art but, I don’t think I want a career in it. Science is interesting but my heart doesn’t flutter, and my mind doesn’t get set into this intense focus like I do when I’m in the zone when I type.
If anyone has noticed, on my LJ or on my tumblr I type like crazy, they are long. The thing is I like typing every thought I have, ever word to me contributes to what I have to say. Although it can be cut down… to me its like drawing a stick figure rather than a true self portrait. I just couldn’t bring myself to do that because its too easy.
If someone where to say that I’m “smart” I always wondered why they say that. From what I’ve got at is that if I said I was taking AP Bio but have a C+ or B-, rather than having an A in regular bio. People would still think I’m smart for taking that class. The thing that I think smart to everyone is for those who challenge themselves, even though its unnecessary to them.
Which is still…stupid to me. it doesn’t really make sense… i know that if you can’t possibly gain anything from school. Than its not for you unless you don’t know where you are going. Thing is, I do but I still don’t get which schools will lead me to a career I want. What I wish I knew is, what is it that an employer is looking for. Which one impresses them.
In high school they talked about College and how to impress them… I really didn’t really give a rats ass on that though…what I wanted to know is how I could get closer to that dream. I wanted them to make myself less blind sighted.
I don’t want to end up not being who I want to be when I get older.
I don’t want all this work to end up being for nothing.
I may respect those who try and fail rather then not try at all but, I still want them to succeed. Thats what I want, and its scary not now how to get to that point. Schools and parents tell you to follow your dream but, how can we follow it if they don’t tell us the way.
“Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That’s me: I’m not that.”
—Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan (via talky-walky)
it sucks
but I’ll be fine.
it hurts but life goes on. heh…
I’m going to try to be positive about this.
I'm not the best at gram-Er
I got a 2.7 in my english class and a 3.3 in my math.
I know that in comparison I’m probably better at math…especially since I haven’t been really trying my hardest in either class. Kinda been slacking….
The thing is I prefer english, not because I’m good at it, and not only is in more interesting to me. I guess things you’re actually passionate about aren’t going to be easy. if anything, I’d rather be interested in something challenging than easy.
idk… I was thinking about how I wanted to be a writer and how I’m not even the best at sentence structure and what not, but I’d rather be passionate about something I’m still learning about rather than something that comes naturally. Especially if I have no interest in it. I mean, I get math pretty easily if I pay attention in class ahhaah. If I do I usually don’t have to study. Unlike english where I have to pay attention and review what I’d just read… but thats why I’m in school. So I can learn about english, so I can get better at it. its not like I can go straight into my career lol.
I’m one of those people who definitely needs college in order to pursue the career I want. Whether I end up writing childrens stories, manga/comics, or novels…. I’m not completely at a point where I’m going to be pro. thats why schools important.
…yeah lol
