Sarah Am-brrr-Gay

“”All the world is a stage… We are merely players…”  Shakespeare wrote these words hundreds of years ago; they still ring true today.

When we are employed by others we are getting paid to “act” the part. As long as there are people we have to deal withwe have to “act”. The measure of a true friend is one you can totally be yourself with and it is okay. That is why friends are so valuable.This is also the quality a life partner needs to have as well honey, if they do not, they are not the one for you.In time you will find a way to deal with this on your terms.”
I was bitching to him about some issues about my mom and how everything seemed to suck right now. (I understand I still have it good in comparison to other people but, hell I do want something better ahaha)
any who I emailed my dad and I’m glad one of my parents actually wants to listen to me rather than want me to say what they want to hear.
I love my dad and how he quotes literature when he explains things to me. I suppose him saying what I already know helps, makes me know I’m on the right track I suppose.

lately I’ve been trying to dress up and such but I don’t see the point anymore ahha. I prefer being comfy it seems. at least lately its been that way. I need to get some new clothes.

next pay check!

I think for those who try and guess what happens next, well that develops into a habit not just because they are trying to protect themselves from being hurt but, so we are proven wrong. Ultimately I recall many times when I’d guess when so and so would judge me or that person would cancel on me last minute on a play date we had because there is a feeling I get that tells me. When I know it’ll occur. In the end it turns out that, that is what happens. that person canceled on me because she had to baby sit or so and so is judging me, thinks I’m weird, and avoids me from then on. Its not crazy or me with a low self esteem, I’d been confronted with problems such as these before. Thing is when you are correct so many times you rely on those feelings. You hold yourself back and develop habits that make you a bit cowardly. It puts up a wall and when the odds seem against you, you put it up. Its natural I suppose, who wants to be hurt?

other than masochists and people who seem to be addicted to the feeling of sadness. I can’t seem to think of anyone who loves that feeling. we put up that wall but we can’t seem to take that risk. We rely on that warning we get, so much so we can’t do anything because of it. I suppose I hold on to it because it has yet to be wrong, one day I hope it will be because I would like to strip down pieces of those walls. I’m sure a lot of people have this. That alarm in your head that pieces together various outcomes and narrows it down to the most logical one. 

I’d been doing that recently and realized I need to get out of that habit. I suppose that habit is stopping me from many things that would otherwise bring me happier experiences. I suppose that feeling has been wrong but… thinking about it in a way it was still right. I guess it is hard to explain without an example but I just don’t feel all to down about it.

I was watching an anime and it brought up a good point. Happiness has its costs. It rarely drops into your lap without a cost. for instance if you spent 30 dollars, it would be on something that was worth 30. well the demands on you would increase depending on how great the reward is. nothing comes for free. 

I suppose for those subtle things we have to determine if the reward is equivalent to the risk, and if it is worth it. I don’t know if that makes sense but, even if the reward is worth it… idk… the feeling I get telling me otherwise tells me “no”. despite the fact I really believe “yes” I guess at this point its a matter of which I believe in more. my logic or gut feeling.

wonder which is more important.

sorry if this doesn’t make sense. 

I tend to not proof read these things. not like anyone is really reading my stuff. meheheh.

I like the feeling you get after you study, you feel accomplished. I mean it takes a while for you to get into but once you have and it is done it is quite… idk the word… just refreshing I guess. I spent 5 hours studying math. I finished it a lil whiles back but I really been slacking in that class. if I don’t feel challenged in anyway I don’t put much effort into it. I know thats a silly habit but yeah, I finished the homework and it online and it takes more time for the question to load up then for me to actually do em (thats a bit of an exaggeration).

Tomorrow I’m catching up in english lit because in that class it is a bit of the opposite effect. my class mates get to rate my responses so I’m a bit nervous to post up any of my homework and such. 

I really like that feeling though. :3

Off to bed.

I got a 91.5% on the quiz. I know the question I missed too….fucking a. thats what gets me, I second guess myself. bull shit.

I’d been reading harry potter a lot lately. A part of me wondered why I created this obsession with the story over the years. I recall the first time I heard the harry potter story. My third grade teacher read it to us. I laid my head down and listened and imagined a life like harry potter. The thing I envied the most about harry potter wasn’t the magic or adventure, it was his friends. I think it was harry potter in the end who really made me want to have those types of friends. In the end I never really got as close to anyone as he did with them. Its sad but, I think it is ok.

I think I found comfort of not finding this connection within people through the books I’ve read. I’ve been told I’m a nerd and when I tell people I want to be a writer I always see this expression on their faces that say “probably won’t happen” I agree it is a hard industry to get into. I however, think back to J.K Rowling and how she went to 13 publishers until she was accepted. I think back to harry potter because it gives me hope. Its funny how a fictional character can effect you more than any other person you’ve encountered in your life. At least for me thats how it is. 

the first time I saw harry potter on the big screen it was my 11th birthday. The first movie came out into theaters on November 16th (my birthday) and there I sat with a group of school friends smack down in the middle. It was the first time i’d heard that chime we all now associate with Harry Potter. I can’t recall the rest of that day but, to me nothing else mattered. it was as if I had a connection and within that it made me happy. Even though in the movie Harry Potters birthday wasn’t on Nov. 16th, the fact that both of us were celebrating our 11th birthday made me giddy.

The day I finally watch the last part of harry potter, as silly as it sounds, I’ll probably cry my eyes out because to me it will be like losing a friend, but in a way its also as if they’re going off to something better and its time to say good bye. 

I don’t think it matters whether you read the books and didn’t see the movies, or vice versa. Harry Potter, no matter what is a world that we all enjoy because of the magic but we all love because of how strong it is. Not everyone is like this I suppose but, the thing I love about harry potter is I grew up side by side with him and although I’ll never set foot in hogwarts or expecto patronum anytime soon I will never forget what harry potter means to me. I don’t think I could possibly go into full detail as to how important fictional characters j.k rowling has created are to me. it would be a bit embarrassing.

I don’t want people knowing because I’m embarrassed about it nor am I ashamed. the thing is my full reason is special to me, like a secret I don’t want anyone else knowing. I may not be THE BIGGEST FAN in the world, however I am a fan. I know its silly going on about it like this. Just the last time I felt this miss placed I read harry potter and I didn’t feel so bad.

Harry Potter reminded me it is ok to be a misfit. it taught me many things actually but that seems the best.

I think in the end, now that I think about..back when I was a kid, that tune I heard when the music started was our letter to hogwarts. When it ends I’ll be incredibly sad but I think I’ll just remember what Albus Dumbledore said:

 This pain is part of being human … the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength.